Scared Scarred.

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*a broken glass sound*

I jumped to the sound, but I didn't rush to see what was broken, or who broke that. I knew it was a glass. I knew who threw it to the floor. And then I heard a sobbing, and my heart became hurt. Moved from my bed, I walked slowly as I heard shouts and jibes from that room. I sat down near it. No matter how many times I saw and heard it, it was still the same pattern. I couldn't even cry, I was just afraid.

Dad walked out the room, wasn't looking back. He didn't see me at all. I heard he slammed the back door and started his motorcycle. I didn't hear the sobbing sound again. A minute or two, I took a deep breath, and entered the room.

My mum saw me as she sat down in the edge of her bed.
She smiled, and asked me, "What's up, dear?" then got down from the bed. Trembling, she picked up the glass shards. I didn't help her, I just stood up on the door, watched her, expressionless.

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I cut my hair weirdly today, so foolish. I didn't want to go to school, but Dad kept nagging at me, kept blaming me for this foolish thing I have done. I stared at myself at the mirror. I knew that I wasn't looking good or pretty at all but I was okay about it.

Dad entered my room and shouted at me, "You better go to school today. I wasted so much money to get you in there."

I closed my eyes.

And didn't answer.

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"He didn't come home today."

The shaking voice came from the living room, just across my room. I kept on watching movies on the computer, but I kept hearing the talk happen in the living room. Last night, I heard shouting again, and something was threw to the floor badly. Doors were slammed. I was pretending to sleep. Too scared to do anything. Just like now.

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My head was hurt. I fell from my own bike, because I was trying to ride it faster. But sadly I forgot about the road bump, and ended up fell. But I couldn't go home, so I went again with my bike going somewhere far.

I came home and tighten my hoodie to cover up the wound. He didn't see me again. I was safe. I didn't hear that blaming shouting again.

And just wondering how many hidden wounds I had.

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"Wake up!!!!"

And I saw he poured that water into my sister's bed, where she slept on it. My sister woke up. Soon after me and Dad left her room, I heard she cried.

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"Congratulations, dear! You got into the school! I'm so proud of you!" Dad cheered and kissed me on the cheek. I was blushed and happy. He hugged Mum too, and readily to spread the 'good' news. I was so happy, I made him proud at last.

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"Dad, I got no rank for this semester. But all my writings in the school's bulletin were published."

"Why you waste your time for something useless? Just keep your focus to get the rank. The tuition fee isn't free, you know."

I quickly looked at the message he typed on his phone before I went away to my room. It said "I love you, sleep tight" to a number that wasn't my Mum's.

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"Why didn't you leave him?"

"I have you and the others. I cannot go."

"But you don't love him anymore."

"I still can't go."

The food was now cold. Probably was served there in the table seven hours ago. With the plate and the fork and spoon was ready. She walked to her bed, and went to sleep. I collected the food and put them in the refrigerator, then shut down the lamps and walked to my own room.

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*a slammed door sound*

It was in the middle of the night, I was awake working on my task. The shouting was started again. I ignored it with all my might.

Soon after it finished, Mum came to my room while I was ready to go to sleep, so I was pretending and closing my eyes. Mum wasn't crying, she just stroked my hair, move a little hair from my forehead, and then kissed me there. After that, she left my room and I never heard anything from her again. I couldn't shed even a tear. I couldn't even feel a thing, and I let her go.

Months later, she was back to this house. Like everything was never happened, we started again. Everyday was full of smile. But me, still scared even just to enter this house. I didn't know what love was.

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-24th November 2015. in my chilly living room with my thesis scattered.