....on a second thought

i know that if someone looked at my whole life, they wont say that it was a miserable one

i did have a happy life
until now i am happy

i am strange at times
but thats it

so maybe if i said about something so desperate
people wont come to believe me

it is not everyday i felt it
but it will popped out of nowhere

the words screaming in my head
but then what should i do about it?

should i drown my head? no, i have much conciousness
should i cut the wrist? no, thats too cliché

but i cant handle the screaming "its better that you're not exist"
cause if i still exist, i will keep making mistakes

mistakes so ashaming that i even could not bring myself to stare the mirror
"i wish i wasnt born" is the next

"the worlds better without me"
sometimes i knew that what i need is reassurance

but it wasnt enough, apparently
what to be sure of? yeah sure i will keep making mistakes

"making mistake is okay, lets do some introspection"
nah, nada.

ijustcant

when that time comes i just dont know what to do
but i dont want to be here
i dont want to be exist
i wish i wasnt born

you say i had to be grateful?
i have. but still, these suicidal thoughts wont loose off.

if its better than im not here,
then where should i go?