....on a second thought

i know that if someone looked at my whole life, they wont say that it was a miserable one

i did have a happy life
until now i am happy

i am strange at times
but thats it

so maybe if i said about something so desperate
people wont come to believe me

it is not everyday i felt it
but it will popped out of nowhere

the words screaming in my head
but then what should i do about it?

should i drown my head? no, i have much conciousness
should i cut the wrist? no, thats too cliché

but i cant handle the screaming "its better that you're not exist"
cause if i still exist, i will keep making mistakes

mistakes so ashaming that i even could not bring myself to stare the mirror
"i wish i wasnt born" is the next

"the worlds better without me"
sometimes i knew that what i need is reassurance

but it wasnt enough, apparently
what to be sure of? yeah sure i will keep making mistakes

"making mistake is okay, lets do some introspection"
nah, nada.

ijustcant

when that time comes i just dont know what to do
but i dont want to be here
i dont want to be exist
i wish i wasnt born

you say i had to be grateful?
i have. but still, these suicidal thoughts wont loose off.

if its better than im not here,
then where should i go?

This is what we call a Fairy Tale.

Imagine a guy praying to God that he gets to marry you one day. Imagine a guy who doesn't need a blueprint to love you the right way. Imagine a guy who doesn't run away when you show him the scars from your past. Imagine a guy who actually cares about your happiness and your smile. Imagine a guy who treats you with respect. Imagine a guy you can talk to about anything. Imagine a guy being very supportive of your dreams and goals. Imagine a guy who actually listens and remembers the small details about you. Imagine a guy speaking positive things over you. Imagine a guy sticking by your side through the difficult times. Imagine a guy being able to really make you laugh and forget about the struggles of your day. Imagine a guy cherishing you and being a positive source of inspiration in your life. Imagine a guy loving you wholeheartedly, flaws and all. 

the couple conversation.

what it means to be a couple?

to have another person to share happiness and sadness? to have another person waiting for you with an open arm? to have another person to hear your stories and share theirs to you? 

or.....

to have hurt because of the proximity that they have? to have lie easily because we know their activity 24/7? to gain their trust? to control your life?

yes God had already made us in pair, but what it means really? why we created and born as individuals to have just be paired one day with another individuals? for whom or for what we learned about being strong on our feet and then we just throw reliance to other people? what is it for then? what's the use anyway?

another one bites the dust.

i realized that i never have a happy thought in my life. it was full of anxiousness and it led me to having a horrible personality. (or personalities?)

i know i shot a numerous of pictures, uploaded it on social media, collecting quotes for the caption, reshare a quote that i thought it was well said or matched with recents, but i knew more than anyone that obviously hated words. ironically, i fond of writing and reading. but you know, i love words that for myself that helped me found my own freedom -- while in fact, the words said by other people not. they imprisoned me in an endless worry, fear, disbelief, and sadness. many thoughts that words were powerful for me so they gave me a motivational speech, a gorgeous quotes, but hell none of it worked for me. words are just words. only for reading only for re-writing. just how much people can just believe in anything that only came in form of words?

the type of lover i need.

i need someone

who knows struggle

as well as i do

someone

willing to hold my feet in their lap

on days it is too difficult to stand

the type of person who gives

exactly what i need

before i even know i need it

the type of lover who hears me

even when i do not speak

cause my struggle is felt in their struggle

that is the type of understanding i demand

the type of lover i need - rupi kaur