the couple conversation.

what it means to be a couple?

to have another person to share happiness and sadness? to have another person waiting for you with an open arm? to have another person to hear your stories and share theirs to you? 

or.....

to have hurt because of the proximity that they have? to have lie easily because we know their activity 24/7? to gain their trust? to control your life?

yes God had already made us in pair, but what it means really? why we created and born as individuals to have just be paired one day with another individuals? for whom or for what we learned about being strong on our feet and then we just throw reliance to other people? what is it for then? what's the use anyway?

another one bites the dust.

i realized that i never have a happy thought in my life. it was full of anxiousness and it led me to having a horrible personality. (or personalities?)

i know i shot a numerous of pictures, uploaded it on social media, collecting quotes for the caption, reshare a quote that i thought it was well said or matched with recents, but i knew more than anyone that obviously hated words. ironically, i fond of writing and reading. but you know, i love words that for myself that helped me found my own freedom -- while in fact, the words said by other people not. they imprisoned me in an endless worry, fear, disbelief, and sadness. many thoughts that words were powerful for me so they gave me a motivational speech, a gorgeous quotes, but hell none of it worked for me. words are just words. only for reading only for re-writing. just how much people can just believe in anything that only came in form of words?

the type of lover i need.

i need someone

who knows struggle

as well as i do

someone

willing to hold my feet in their lap

on days it is too difficult to stand

the type of person who gives

exactly what i need

before i even know i need it

the type of lover who hears me

even when i do not speak

cause my struggle is felt in their struggle

that is the type of understanding i demand

the type of lover i need - rupi kaur

Jejakku, pada Hidupmu.

Sepertinya baru kemarin,

kita berjalan berdampingan,

saling menggenggam erat satu tangan,

melangkah searah dengan manisnya langkah. 

Sepertinya baru kemarin,

kita saling mencintai tanpa perlu alasan. 

Aku menyukai kau apa adanya, dan kau tak perlu banyak waktu untuk mengagumi kepolosanku. 

Kita selalu saling melengkapi. 

Karena, sempurna memang tak pernah ada di dunia. 

Saat ini,

mari sama-sama jujur pada diri sendiri. 

Kita tak kuasa,

untuk tetap saling menggenggam jemari. 

Aku tahu,

kau butuh yang lain untuk menyempurnakan hidupmu. 

Kau pun tahu,

aku tak sekuat itu untuk terus-menerus menjadi pejuang cinta, sendirian saja. 

Maka,

ketika nanti langkah kaki kita sudah semakin menjauh,

masihkah kau akan mengingatku?

Karena, walau kaki ini sudah terus melaju,

ia sempat meninggalkan jejak-jejeak pada hidupmu. 

di tengah deru angin Pantai Wohkudu, Oktober 2016

Who doesn't?

She put down her glass of green tea latte in front of me, and took my chocolate drink away while she sat down in her chair opposite to mine. I looked at her and I could see the anxiousness in her eyes. 

"Well, " I said, began the conversation, "I don't hate green tea, but I prefer my chocolate back, please," then I giggled. She ignored  my words, exhaled and started talking, "Isn't it nice to have a man who always love you, willing to do anything for your sake; to keep you in his side, and don't wanna let you go? Just like in those movies! Why can't I just be getting all that simple things in my life? I just wanted someone to love me, and afraid of losing me, like I'm the most important thing in his life."

She wasn't crying, but I knew it was just about time. At anytime. I kept looking at her, tried not to give any expressions and responds.

"And, above all, " she started again, "When all the girls in our age are getting married, having kids, raising kids, all those happily ever after kinda thing, and I just getting divorced with my husband. I am already a widow in this very age. Am I embarrassing?"

"You want me to answer that?" I asked.

She rolled her eyes, "Duh, yes. But asking you is a big mistake. You have that kind of life, right?"

I literally laughed when I heard her words. "Oh, sweetheart, come on. You are pretty. Prettier than me, even. Hearing those words came from you was surprising enough, dear," I said, and yes, she was very very pretty. And she married in her young age, just to be divorced six months later. Uh, not really young, but in my case it is too early. Whatever. And now she was here, babbling around of being a widow in our "young age" while the other girls in our age were still in that "happily ever after area", just exactly like what she said before.

She lied down her face on the table, her silky hair fell down beautifully to her face. I had to restrain myself not to curse, because I always looked like a clown every time I happened to be next to her. "Is it that hard to love me?" she mumbled. "Oh, yeah, maybe that's the reason. And I am destined to be like that."

"You should stop that kind of thought, dear."

She tilted her head, her teary eyes pierced on me. "You won't understand, I see. 'Cause you have someone who loooooove you so much."

"For your information, I ditched that someone. In case you are forgotten."

She raised her head rapidly and had her finger pointed out on me. "That! That's even worse! How come you waste other people's love? While here I'm struggling to have that!" she screamed and people on that coffee shop were beginning to look at us. I exhaled, and answered, "I don't want to answer that, really."

"Oooooh! Just pleasing this pretty widow, will you?" she giggled. I shook my head and rolled my eyes.

"You see, isn't it unfair, you to have someone who love you so so so much and you're not happen to fall in love with him. And I.. once loved someone who happened not to love me back."

"Yeah, that's life--"

"Blah blah!" she cut me, and was waving her hands. I stopped talking and we were looking at each other eyes for a while, refused to speak. Gave time for the people in the coffee shop to turn back again to their business, not to ours.

"I am feeling the same like you, you know," I finally answered. "I feel that I am not deserved to be loved, even with the person who says that he loves me so much. People can change in an instant. Like your marriage, one day you are like Cinderella--getting all your dreams come true and zap! Now you are going back to reality. And I still can't afford that, not strong enough to face it."

She looked far away outside the window, her eyes began teary again. I personally hate this kind of talk, but the feeling that we shared was same but we were not in the same boat. She was the princess of the pirate but she chose to leave the pirate and live in the land, while I am the pirate of my boat and kicked out the butt of the prince who might be getting lost in my boat. Or ship. Her decision of getting divorced awakened me of the theory of people can change in an instant. Divorced was way more beyond break-up, it involved two families, and I hated divorce from my deepest heart.

"Can I love someone again? I'm afraid that I will be afraid, to love again, you know," she said, still staring outside the window.

"You will. You can," I answered, diplomatically. 

"So are you, then," she added quickly.

I shook my head. "Will take a long time for me," I argued. She laughed, and screamed in low pitch, "Don't be ridiculous!"

"Whatever," I said, drank up the green tea in front of me. "I just afraid, and nobody will cure me or anything. That's all. And you will be getting over you divorce time, for sure."

 "Yeah.. I guess."





-----

"Can I get my chocolate drink back?"