Redeeming the Grey.

i wish for time to stop. 

i wish for time to vanish. 

i wish to be gone. 

not so i can figure out who will lose me,

cause i just wanna go. 

you can call it run-away,

i don't care thou. 

you can call it selfish,

but hey, don't all of us was born being selfish?

i just want to be grey,

not you to decide me going black or white. 

swimming deep down inside the stream of my mind. 

gulping water as i try to breath. 

i don't seek a hand to help,

cause i am not really drowning. 

Ilmu Kimia pada Hubungan Sosial.

Manusia hidup pasti terkait satu sama lain. Some shit proverb says, manusia itu mahluk sosial; nggak ada manusia yang bisa hidup sendirian. 

I've been through numerous friendships and relationships. Some stays, some are not. Banyak yang bilang, ketika kita 'berpisah' dengan orang lain, itu karena kita nggak cocok sama orang itu. Apa yang nggak cocok? Bisa sifat, gaya hidup, kelas, dll. Kalimat "maaf aku rasa kita udah nggak cocok lagi" masih kedenger kayak bullshit but who gives a damn anyway? Kadang kita terlalu cepat menyerah waktu kita menemukan ketidakcocokan. 

Pengalaman saya, yang menentukan cocok atau tidaknya kita dengan orang lain, tidak lain tidak bukan adalah the so-called 'chemistry'. Menurut kamus psikologi, chemistry itu istilah untuk munculnya rasa kebersamaan, kecocokan, wants to stay longer with one significant. (tolong jangan tanya kamusnya apa). 'Pisah'nya kita dengan orang lain, biasanya ditandai dengan udah nggak adanya chemistry di antara kita.

Tapi tau nggak, ada atau tidaknya chemistry itu sebenernya yang mengatur juga kita sendiri. Kok gitu ya? Untuk bersosialisasi sebenernya nggak perlu nunggu kita musti 'klik' sama orang lain. Chemistry bakal stay sama kita kalau kita emang masih mau menjalin -ship -ship yang tadi disebut di atas. Kalau emang ngerasa udah nggak mau, ya biasanya chemistry itu juga hilang. Mau digimanain juga. 

Banyak yang nyerah ketika nemuin perbedaan, biasanya kaum yang susah nerima pembaharuan dan perubahan. Biasanya juga mereka yang sering lost chemistry dengan banyak orang. Begitu dirasa berubah: "kita putus!"

Jadi, pada hakikatnya nggak ada orang yang nggak cocok satu sama lain. Semua orang bisa cocok, kalau memang mereka mau terus mencocokkan diri. We are that one creature that constantly changes. Ada yang perlu di-keep untuk terus bisa balance, salah satunya sikap terbuka. Sama perubahan, atau pembaharuan. 

The Impossible is Possible!

The Moon has never left the Sun behind. They actually in the same zone, all day. But sometimes hidden, sometimes shown bluntly. 

Have you ever looked up at the morning sky, and found the Moon was still on the sky? Faintly as it looks, but yet we knew that was the Moon. Not Venus. 

It is really there, in the same zone with the Sun. Watching it quietly, as it rises up higher in the sky. Do the Sun recognizes it has been there all along?

-these two mornings, I have been greeted by the Moon ahead me in the sky. Made me realize, even though something that they said different or impossible, it's just an excuse to not doing it. Despite, everything now seems possible. Never give up on diversity, be graceful instead. Never give up, to face the impossible. For God the All-knowing and the Almighty. 

Last but not least.

"Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face..

You told me how proud you were but I walked away..

If only I know what it meant today..."

Aku tersentak dari lamunanku. Lagu siapa ini? Kuraih iPadku dari ujung meja dan membaca judul lagu yang terpampang di layarnya. Seingatku aku tak pernah memasukkan satu lagu galau sekalipun di dalam gadget milikku. Haram hukumnya. Tapi kenapa lagu ini bisa ada di sini dan aku tak menyadarinya?

Ah... pasti ini ulahmu. Kamu yang melankolis, kamu yang pecinta lagu galau, kamu yang tingkat keisengannya melebihi IQ Einstein. Aku mencoba tertawa, tapi hanya sakit yang bisa aku rasakan. Kuputar ulang lagu galau itu. Mendadak aku teringat salah satu percakapan kita: "Kalo dengerin lagu mbok sekali-kali yang mellow dikit. Jangan yang jedag-jedug terus, nyakitin kuping," ujarmu dengan logat Yogyakartamu yang begitu kental. Aku masih ingat bagaimana aku tertawa keras, entah karena logatmu (yang notabene masih benar-benar sangat lucu di telingaku, sampai sekarang) atau karena ucapanmu. "Ya terserah gue lah. Kalo lagu rock tuh lebih kerasa hidup, mending daripada hidup galau mulu," adalah balasanku saat itu. Aku masih ingat ekspresimu ketika kau tak setuju dengan pendapatku; manyun dan menggeleng-gelengkan kepala.

"There's nothing I wouldn't do, to hear your voice again..

Sometimes I wanna call you,

but I know you won't be there.."

Aku merebahkan kepalaku lagi di bantal. Kututup mataku, menahan semua emosi yang memberontak ingin keluar. Benar apa kata pepatah-pepatah itu: Kamu baru merasakan pentingnya suatu hal setelah kamu kehilangannya. Pasti kalau kamu masih ada di sini sekarang, kamu bakal bilang, "Nah tho, kubilang juga apa!"

Mendadak aku merasa bagaikan aku mendapat ilham. Dengan ketergesaanku meraih bolpoin dan mencari-cari selembar kertas, akhirnya aku melakukan sesuatu yang jarang sekali aku lakukan: aku menulis. Aku selalu sesumbar bahwa aku adalah manusia 2.0, yang tidak bisa hidup tanpa gadget. Kalau urusan menulis, lebih baik mengetik saja. Gampang dan tidak bikin pegal tangan. 

Sejenak, aku termangu. Apa yang akan aku tulis? Memangnya kalau sudah jadi kutulis, bisa kamu baca? Kubuka lagi laci meja belajarku, dan kulihat masih ada sepucuk lembar warna biru muda. Suratmu; warna kesukaanmu. Aku menyadari bahwa tanganku gemetar saat aku membuka kembali surat yang kau tulis tanpa sempat kau berikan padaku secara langsung. Sungguh, untuk seseorang yang kalau bicara saja harus disogok buku desain atau lagu galau dulu, menulis surat begini panjang adalah prestasi yang patut diberi standing applause.

"And it's so hard to say goodbye, when it comes to this.."

Menghela napas dalam-dalam, menghirup segala macam aroma di dalam kamarku, kuambil lagi bolpoin itu. Berusaha memikirkan apa kata-kata yang ingin aku ungkapkan, membuatku kembali terhenti. Namun, aku tahu pasti, kamu tak akan pernah percaya pada perkataan-perkataanku yang bak pujangga, dan aku mulai menulis:

Hey.

Gue nulis surat nih. Cuma buat elo. Keren kan gue? Tadinya gue mau nulis pakai kalimat-kalimat kayak Socrates gitu, yang penuh makna. Tapi ngebayangin kalo lo ngebaca terus ngikik-ngikik, mending gue apa adanya aja. Tingkat kegantengan gue juga masih tetep stabil.

Gue berasa anak SD yang masih belajar nulis, bolpen bolak-balik gue taruh gara-gara capek, atau gara-gara gue nggak ngerti harus gimana megangnya. Pasti lo bakal ketawa ngejek kalo lihat gue. Lo tau nggak? Gue kangen banget sama ketawa lo. Gue rela berada di depan lo pas lo baca ini, karena gue suka sama semua ekspresi sama respon lo. Asal nggak tau-tau nyubit atau mukul aja. Ntar gue latah ngebales.

Hmmm... kenapa ya gue nulis surat? Karena gue pengen nyoba gimana rasanya jadi pujangga? Hahaha. Karena gue nggak tau harus gimana lagi, harus lewat apa lagi buat nyampein perasaan gue ke elo. Terlambat? Bodo amat. Kayak kata lo kan, "Nggak ada kata terlambat untuk apapun, sesuatu yang disimpan bakal terutarakan pada waktunya." Nah, gue ngerasa, ini emang waktunya. Waktu buat gue ngomongin semua apa yang gue rasain. Karena emang bener apa kata lo: gue hatinya mati.

Nggak pernah ngebayangin kalo gue bakal sobatan sama lo. Cewek, logat medhok, cupu, setannya perpustakaan, tukang galau, ngamukan. Kalo kata nyokap, emang kita kayak langit sama sumur. Nggak, gue kok yang sumurnya, hahaha. Dan semua sifat itu nggak berubah sampai sembilan tahun gue kenal lo, gue bareng lo.

Gue, (yang ngakunya) the Almighty, lagi ngerasa banget, kalo selama itu juga gue nggak pernah ngertiin apa-apa tentang lo. You're the closest to me, yet you're so far away. (Bahasa inggris lo udah bagusan dikit kan? Bisa dong ngerti artinya.) Dan gue, ngerasa sebagai cowok paling BEGO karena gue nggak pernah ngertiin lo. Pembelaan yang bisa gue kasih cuma, karena gue juga nggak bisa ngertiin diri gue sendiri.

Sembilan tahun, gue bareng lo. Dua tahun di antaranya, kita sama sekali nggak ada kontak. Gue nyesel banget, kenapa gue nggak percaya sama lo. Kenapa gue nyalah-nyalahin lo. Kenapa, dan masih banyak kenapa-kenapa lainnya. Iya, gue benci banget kenapa gue harus ngerasa nyesel, terutama nyeselnya sekarang. Lo yang paling ngertiin gue, tapi gue sama sekali nggak nganggep hal itu spesial. Gue berasa manfaatin elo. Karena lo selalu ada waktu gue butuh. Dan gue ngerasa nggak pantes nikah sama cewek manapun gara-gara itu. (Nggak sih, bercanda.) Tapi beneran gue nyesel. BANGET.

Tapi yang bikin gue nyesel pake banget, gue nggak sempet minta maaf langsung sama lo.

Lo satu-satunya yang tau kalo gue pengen jadi pianis, meskipun nyokap-bokap ambisius pengen jadiin gue dokter. Dan lo yang ngebantu gue buat ngomong ke mereka, meskipun pada akhirnya, gue tetep kuliah kedokteran, tapi gue bisa punya piano sendiri di rumah.

Lo satu-satunya orang yang bisa gue ajak buat ngobrolin apapun, dari mulai gue sembelit sampe gue pengen makan gulali di pesawat luar angkasa. Meskipun lo ngata-ngatain gue, tapi lo tetep ngeladenin obrolan gue dari awal sampe akhir.

I loved the way you depend on me. Gue seneng banget, kalo lo selalu nyari-nyari gue. Gue seneng banget kalo lo selalu ngandelin gue, waktu lo seneng, sedih, marah, atau waktu ortu lo cerai dan lo hampir dibawa balik ke Yogyakarta. Gue seneng, yang ada di samping lo itu gue. Gue pikir, gue cuma ngerasa seneng karena gue sebagai alpha male, emang cocok diandelin sama cewek-cewek. Tapi ternyata, yang gue rasain beda.

Gue.. kehilangan lo banget. Di waktu lo pindah ke Bandung buat nerusin impian lo kuliah di FSRD ITB, dan saat itu juga gue lost contact sama lo. Kita pisah, dan dalam keadaan yang nggak baik. Jujur banget, gue ngerasa lost juga. Gue bingung nggak ada lo, mau gue kayak gimanapun juga, nggak ada yang bisa ngegantiin posisi lo. Berulang kali gue pengen nyusul lo ke Bandung, tapi gue malu. Gue nggak ngerti harus ngomong apa. "Gue butuh lo."? gue malu ngomong begitu. Akhirnya, gue nurutin ego, gue tetep stay di Jakarta.

Hahhh.. seandainya gue bisa muter waktu. Gue pengen banget ngulang dari awal gue ketemu sama elo. Manusia emang ya, selalu nyari alesan buat penyesalan.

Kalo orang-orang bilang state gue ini brokenhearted, gue bilang gue sama sekali ga ngerasa hati gue patah atau rusak atau ancur. It's simply just because it isn't there. Because you already took my heart, so it's no longer there, but leaving an endless pain instead. Gilaaaaak.. gue melankolis abis! Hahaha..

Lo ngerti, waktu gue tau sakit lo kambuh, lo masuk rumah sakit, yang ada di pikiran gue cuma: "Gue harus ada di samping lo sekarang. Lo butuh gue." Pede banget emang, tapi emang cuma itu yang ada di pikiran gue. Kalang kabut, gue tinggalin semua kuliah gue, gue nggak bawa apa-apa, dan gue ketinggalan kereta. Kalo gue nggak ketinggalan kereta waktu itu, mungkin gue masih sempet ngeliat lo. Meskipun itu kali terakhirnya gue ngeliat lo. Tapi gue tetep ketinggalan kereta, dan gue sempet nggak tau harus gimana lagi. Gue nginep di stasiun, gue beli tiket dan kebagian yang lebih mahal. Gue nggak peduli, yang penting gue bisa ketemu lo. Lo ngerti, belum juga gue sampe Bandung, ortu lo ngabarin kalo gue nggak akan pernah lagi bisa lihat lo. Lo pergi. Dan gue nggak akan pernah sempat liat ekspresi-ekspresi lo, atau ngedenger celotehan lo, ngeliat desain-desain gila lo, atau perhatian lo ke gue.

Nangis? Iya. Gue nangis. Keren kan? Gue nangis di kereta mahal dari Gambir sampe Bandung. Gue nangis kayak anak kecil yang nggak jadi dibeliin mainan kesukaannya. Sampe gue dipindah ke kereta makan biar tenang. Dikasih air putih gara-gara gue sempet histeris. Karena gue nggak pernah tau, rasanya kehilangan lo, ternyata luar biasa sakit. Sampe sekarang.

I am really sorry. Sori karena gue sombong sama lo, gue nggak pernah ngertiin lo, gue manfaatin semua perasaan lo, gue udah ngatain lo penghancur hubungan orang, gue nggak percaya sama lo. Sori... karena gue baru sadar sekarang kalo gue ngerasa gini. Perasaan gue ke lo, lebih dari apa yang orang bilang sayang atau cinta, but I love you to the extent that I never able to live without you. Gue nggak ngerti sampe kapan gue bakal sesedih ini, sesakit ini. Karena tiap apapun yang gue lakuin selalu ngingetin gue tentang lo. Lo udah jadi bagian terpenting di hidup gue.

Thank you so much. Makasih karena lo selalu ngertiin gue, ada buat gue, sabar ngadepin gue, mau ngeladenin gue, percaya sama gue, semuanya. Gue nggak bisa sebutin satu-satu. Tapi lo segalanya. My thanks only are not enough to compensate you. Tapi do'a gue ke lo, nggak bakal pernah terputus. 

Semoga lo tenang di sana. Lo bakal dapet meja kerja yang terbagus, lo bisa ngedesain semau lo di sana. Lo bakal dapet segunung buku-buku filsuf favorit lo, lo bakal bahagia banget di sana. Harus bahagia, karena kalo lo bahagia, gue pasti di sini bahagia. Pasti ada kalanya gue bakal kangen banget sama lo sampe nangis, lo boleh ketawa dari sana. But make sure when you do, you have to come by in my dream. Ketawa sampe lo nangis juga. Sekarang aja gue udah kangen lo, Manyun.

Gue bakal berusaha jadi dokter yang sukses. Gue juga mau nyiptain musik, yang ntar buat gue latih ke murid-murid gue. Gue bakal nepatin semua janji gue, karena gue mau buktiin ke lo, kalo gue emang bisa. Dan lo harus liat waktu gue bisa nepatin itu semua. Lo harus bangga, senyum, terus ngomong, "Kamu keren." dan gue bakal jadi cowok paling sukses di dunia. Karena gue punya lo.

Gue akan tetap jadi matahari, kayak yang lo bilang. Dan gue bakal selalu kangen sama bulan. Gue bakal duduk lama-lama waktu senja, because that's our rendezvous time.



Last but not least.. kampret! Gara-gara lo iseng naruh lagu galau, gue jadi ikutan galau. Gue galau pertama kalinya di sepanjang hidup gue gara-gara seorang Wulan Sasikirana. Sialan, lo harus tanggung jawab! 


Dari gue, the Almighty.
Surya Gantari Maheswara, yang nama lengkapnya aja lo favoritin.




Pandanganku kabur. Beberapa titik hitam berbeda ukuran bebercak di kertas yang aku tulis selama--entah berapa lama. Dan akhirnya aku pun tertunduk. Menangis tanpa henti. Tak peduli seberapa hebat bahuku berguncang, menangisi kamu. Kamu, yang telah pergi untuk selamanya.

"If I have just one more day..

I would tell you how much I've missed you since you've been away.."

-Hurt by Christina Aguilera.

Your Prisoner (2)

Muromachi Era.

*sigh*

This was the story when I met that one who changed my life forever.

I lied down on my futon, feeling exhausted. Life was sure hard. After my father's death, I was the only one whom he entrusted to be the Head of this house. This Princess Haya Kougami would be the so-called Empress. Well, I was the only child, after all.

Suddenly I heard a commotion far away from my room. I was about to look out from the window when I heard someone was running towards my room. I felt like I knew those hurry and heavy steps belong to. Hence, I stepped outside my room and hiding behind the pillar.

"Master Hanazono! Please, wait a moment!" one of my maid suddenly screamed. I was sure she was kneeling down the porch to stop him. I already told her that I didn't want to met anyone right now, especially that one. "Our master has died, and the funeral isn't over yet. Missy says she doesn't wish to see anyone, including you who will soon marry her."

"I only wish to comfort her! Is that wrong to do so?" the Head Guard of the Castle snapped. Yeah, being the Empress of Kougami Family meant you had to have the 'Emperor' or 'fiance', and good grief, he was the only person left for me to marry. He was so arrogant, and I knew he had that impure motive of marrying me. I was never met a man beside my own father in my entire life, needless to say I have to meet one. I didn't seek for any man, because I wanted to marry a proper man: the one that I loved. Well sadly it turned out like this, though.

"Missy is greatly depressed, and doesn't wish to be seen in such a weak state.."

There was a brief of silence. I unconsciously held my breath. The commotion was getting closer, and I was wondering why this bastard guy was still here?!

"If that is the case... then there's no choice," he finally said. "Please, tell my fiancee that.. there has been many dangerous thugs emerging at night recently. And to take care," then I could hear his running step again, but now those step were away. So the commotion was because of the infamous thug, and I heard the name was Kuronekomaru. What a funny way to give a name for a thief. I laughed a little.

"Hmph. You're the dangerous one, Hanazono.. Who knows how you'll 'comfort' me.."

"Missy!"

I turned from the pillar and faced my maid. "I heard that he once had a concubine who left because she couldn't tolerate him. He must be a really cruel person. And the thug causing unrest.. Kuronekomaru, may be a better person than him. Before father died, Father arranged for me to marry Hanazono. But I don't love him."

"Missy, please don't..."

"I understand, there's no way out of this.." I left her and walked back to my room. There was a small door near the window, led to my private porch. I loved this space; secretive, hidden from outside because of the big sakura tree that grew in front of it. I took my sacred dragon scroll and opened the door, walked to the porch. The commotion was nowhere to be heard nor to be seen. Well, that wasn't my priority-or I could say I didn't care at all. I stood on the porch, stared down on the dragon scroll. This dragon was my family guardian, or so to say. I didn't believe in such thing like that, before now.

"For the Kougami family, hm? Bound to serve the family's interest, why was I even born?" I was whining, near depressing, I thought. "Are you listening.. dragon guardian who is sealed in this scroll?"

Nothing happened. The scroll was still in my hand, not opened. I broke down, and I cried. "Aren't you supposed to be the guardian?" I gripped the roll tighter. "Then, please, send me a more proper men.."

"So that's the magical dragon scroll that grants wishes?"

I surprised, and looked to the tallest branch in the tree in front of me; the source of the sudden voice. I saw a man wearing a black yukata stood there, but I couldn't see the face. I hurried to take my bow that hung next to me. I thought it was the thug so I screamed, "Kuronekomaru!?" and then I heard he chuckled. I felt anger inside my body and left the arrow and took the small knife from the inside of my obi instead.

"So it's the scroll that you want?!" I placed the knife on the bow and aimed for him, "Then go meet your maker!"

I didn't look whether the knife hit him or not, and I hurried back again to take the arrow. Everything was happened so fast. I heard a whish from the yukata, light step on the porch which wasn't mine, and as I pulled the arrow on my bow and was ready to aim to him, "You shall die under my arrow..!"

But he wasn't there. And then I felt something cold and sharp was shoved next to my throat, and I was frozen. Then, a man's voice behind me said, "A rough lady suits my appetite just fine, milady..."

There. This was the end. I would be killed by this man. He would get the scroll and fleed out. I lowered both my bow and my guard. I didn't care anymore. "A dead end's fine, too.. Hmph."

"I'm just a thief, not a murderer," the way he said it like I was insulting him. Funny, I felt a little disappointed.

"What a pity. If I was killed by you, I won't have to get married."

"Get married?", he said and then he laughed out loud. "Hahahaha! Such a dangerous lady wishes not to get married? Why, you must be stronger than a man, and have a plain looking face, right?", he grabbed my neck and turned my face toward him. From the dim lit of the moon, this was the first time I've seen the thief's face. He had a good-looking face, and his long hair was black, tied up. What was more surprising me, he was still young. Probably my age. I saw he was surprised to see me too. He looked at my face for a brief, but I did that too. Maybe we both was mesmerized on our first face-encounter.

I felt he endured his grip on my neck. And then he whispered, "You're very skilled.. and really beautiful."

For most women, they would be blushed if they hear those words coming from a good-looking guy. But not me. Either way, I plainly responded, "You're pretty good-looking. I thought you were some middle-aged man with hunchback. Since you favour me, why not take me away?"

He looked surprised. Before he could answer my respond, there were sounds behind me and I heard the guard yelled, "Missy! Did Kuronekomaru break his way there?" and knocked the my room's door but we both ignored the commotion and still stared to each other, in a mysterious way.

"Hahaha! You must really hate your fiance."

"I do."

"Interesting.."

Wondering why he took it as an interesting answer, but I did tell him the truth. So maybe he thought it was interesting because that words was coming out from me, the only soon-to-be leader on this village.

Suddenly, he took his black coat that fell on the porch. "I don't specialize in abduction," he wrapped the coat on my body and grabbed me closer, ".. but I love beautiful things!" and then he jumped up to the roof as the guard has broke into my room.

"Missy!"

"Quick! This way, Missy has been abducted!"

He kept jump on and on. From roof to roof. We were in silence while noisy sounds was chasing us. But then, I thought of something. I grabbed his shoulder tighter.

"What will happen to me? I don't want to be sold."

He chuckled. "Well, why don't you marry me then? I may be better than your fiance!"

To be really honest, my heart skipped a beat at the time he said those words. And the worst part, I knew that I blushed, and he saw it!  "You mongrel! Don't talk rot!" I yelled, angry because I was embarrassed.

He stopped jumping. "Since you're unwilling, I can only sell you or let you go. But..." he pulled me close. I felt uneasy on the way he pulled me. Not to mention he was the first man who ever touched me. He smiled on my respond, and continued to say, "..if you follow me, at least you don't have to be bound to your family."

What did he say? Did he overheard my prayer to the dragon scroll? Must be it. But.. to be gone from the Kougami family.. was all I ever wanted. We stared to each other again, for a moment.

"How about it? My dear restrained beauty?"

I've reached my decision. "Put me down. I can't abandon my family."

He looked at me again, and it always felt like he saw right through me. And then I knew, that I was suppressing myself for answering that way. So, I gave him my reason. "Everyone in my family.. no, even me, my opinion isn't as important as the family."

I pushed my body away from him. Strangely, he didn't held back. He just stood there, like he was examining me. It was so irritating. He crossed his hand, like he already found my real reason: that I wanted to run away.  "Hmph! But I doubt you'll understand, you being a thief."

"I am used to being carefree, and I don't wish to understand, " he smiled. It was surprising to hear the answer from him, not mine to expect. "You're very interesting, but we don't get along. So I shall just leave, with the dragon scroll!"

I was shocked when he pulled out the dragon scroll that he hid inside the yukata. When did he take it? I could not find any words to respond, I tried to take the scroll back but then I held off. The dragon scroll was no longer of use.

"You.. you've got what you want, so leave. My mischief is done with. We won't meet again," I said. It was fine, besides.. anyone who wasn't a Kougami attempted to open the scroll.. will die. Then I heard sounds below us; the guards had finally catching up. They released a bunch of arrow to his position so he had to duck. And I moved back away from him to avoid the arrows too.

"Over here! Quick!" some guards yelled.

In this situation, even though he still insisted to take me away, he wouldn't make it. I bet he thought of that too, because he took his black coat off from me and called me, "Lady!" I lifted my face upon him, but the moon was nowhere to be seen so I couldn't see his expression, well neither did him. Thus he yelled again, "You must treasure yourself! "For your family" is such a pathetic excuse!"

He ran away, but my heart was so flustered. He wasn't just a mere thief, his words were like it came from a noble advisor. But then I remembered the scroll-what made me frightened: I didn't want him to die! I called him right before he jumped out the mansion. "Ku, Kuronekomaru!" but he didn't stop. So I continued to shout, "If you don't wish to die, do not untie the string of the scroll! The scroll is very dangerous, so return it if you change your mind! Take care!"

And that was it, the black cat thief was disappeared in the depth of the night. I could heard people behind me, tried to take me down. I stared blankly on the right spot where he had leave. "..bring it back.. to me..," I muttered.

****

I kept thinking about Kuronekomaru the next day. What if he died? But I knew he was a clever man, he wouldn't take my words as a joke. I was the Princess, after all, and the right owner of that scroll. Feeling uneasy, I sat down in front of my late father's ihai. I took a pray to him.

"Father.. That man, what happened to him?" I said. Kuronekomaru.. was he the man that the dragon god has  decided to grant me?

Suddenly I heard dashing sound of feet outside my room. And then I heard my maid shouted, "Master Hanazono please slow down!" and then that man's voice, "No matter what, I want to see the Lady today!"

Argh, it was that troublesome Hanazono. What did he think, running inside the mansion and shouting out to my maid, said that he wanted to see me? Even there was a sacred regulation that prohibited him to see me before the marriage. And now I could see his shadow from my nearest wall.

"The Lady.. should know better, did she fall ill from grieve? I'm worried that her heart may fall ill, just like a young man who suddenly died in the market this morning, after throwing up blood.."

What?

I rushed out from my room without thinking. Could it be..? "Master Hanazono, are you telling the truth?" I shouted to him. Both of my maid and him were surprised to see me out from the room.

"Lady!"

"My Lady..."

Then I saw Hanazono's eyes were examining me. Well this was his first time to see me in person, face to face. I stood up before his eyes, waiting for the answer. "Oh.. the daughter of the Kougami family that is about to wed me.. I heard you were grieving over the news of your father's death and fell sick. However, you're so beautiful, and you don't look that way to me at all.."

I startled by his words. I forgot that I was pretending to be sick in order to not meeting him. "Ah! I'm sorry, Master Hanazono.. It's because my mood has yet to improve, which is why I tried to avoid meeting with you."

"You don't have to apologise, I understand. That a lady's heart is very fragile."

Nonsense. "Could you tell me what the man that died looks like?"

He scrubbed his chin and tried to remember. "Fat and solid, short, dressed in ordinary clothing. You seem to be very affected, do you know him?"

Ah.. I felt so glad. It wasn't him. "I thought it was a friend. But it doesn't appear that way," I answered.

"Leaving that aside, Lady..," Hanazono walked to me and place his hands on my shoulder. I flinched. "You appear healthier than what I expected, it looks it's time for you choose the date for your wedding."

I closed my eyes in despair. It seems my willfulness....  it has to end here.

****

"What are you doing here? Hanazono!"

Hanazono came abruptly to my room that night, yelled at my maid not to bother us. He rushed out to open my blind and came toward me. I was scared, I didn't know what this man might think.

"We have yet to get married, we're not a couple yet. Didn't you return earlier?"

Then he pulled me, I screamed then he just laughed and said, "Your shouts are futile, no one will come here, lady. I have already chased them away."

I tried to push him away, but he was to strong. He gripped my hands on the back with just one hand and tried to open my kimono. I screamed again, didn't care that was the only thing I could do to save my life. He slapped my face to shut me up. "In the future, there will be chaos around. Choosing me as your husband will be beneficial to the Kougami family!" he shouted back to my face. I cried and still screaming. Suddenly, the small door was slammed open. And I was so surprised to see the man standing there was.. Kuronekomaru.

"Didn't I tell you not to enter? Who are you by the way?" Hanazono shouted to Kuronekomaru. But he ignored him. He just walked slowly to us, his eyes pierced to mine. The strange feeling flew inside my heart; the combination of glad and angry.

"Lady, I'm here to kidnap you once again. I am still unable to let go of beautiful things."

I stared to him blankly. Deep inside our heart, we already knew the answer too. I felt my tears were coming out. "Foolish man. Why is your reaction so slow?" I said. He looked surprised to see me cried. But I gazed to him that this was my final and exact answer. "I need to uphold the Kougami family!"

"Damn it! Who are you?"

I startled and turned my back and saw Hanazono already aimed an arrow to Kuronekomaru. "Stop it!" I shouted to him but it was too late. The arrow already released and I did all I could to prevent it. I saw Kuronekomaru's shocked face getting closer as I threw my body in front of him. Just in second, I could feel the most painful thing-and maybe the last thing I would ever experience.

"What...!" I could hear Kuronekomaru was shouted. But I couldn't see anything. My breath had became heavier, my head was spinning, my vision became blur, all of my body was trembling it felt hurt. I could feel the warm blood dripping against my cold skin, like it was sucked out from my veins. Kuronekomaru's hands were holding me tight. Why did I found this so comfortable? To be died like this, by your fiance and in a thief's hands.

"La.. la.. Lady!!" Hanazono screamed.

"What happened to the unfeeling side of you, you switched too fast. Why did you have to save me?" he asked calmly, but I could sense he was shocked more than before.

"Haha. I only.. did what I wanted to do, that's all. At that moment, I had live as freely as you did," I answered, my voice had became faint too. Then I dragged my face to face his, all I could see was a blurry vision from the dim lit of the candle in my room. But I was able to see his eyes, frightened more than ever, holding me carefully like I was fragile; I could break anytime I moved. I caressed his face with my hands, leaving a trace of blood there. I was thinking of one thing.

"Kuronekomaru, let me ask you..."

"What is it?"

My heart flustered again, yet now it felt hurt like hell. I smiled, the widest I could do to him.

 "Are you.. the kind man the dragon god granted me?"

And then, it was all black.

........................................................................................................."where am I?" I mumbled.

I knew it was bright outside, but I couldn't open my eyes.

We met again.

"Who is it?" I asked. That voice was faint yet it felt so close. The voice of a man, with a strange dialect.

I was the one whom you prayed to before.

"The dragon god?"

That was the way they called me. 

"Well then, what happened to me? Why can't I open my eyes? Did I already died?"

Yes, you did. But I saved you.

"So I live now?"

Barely. I could give you back to life, just in one condition.

"Spill it!"

Hmm. I wasn't aware that you wanted to live more than anyone. Anyway, I have an agreement that I had to protect the line of Kougami family, and if you died, it means that the Kougami family is end. So I gave a curse to that foolish thief for killing you and he shall dedicate his everything to the Kougami family, and protect you whole-heartedly in my place.

"Wait, what? Thief? No! No, you mistaken! The one who killed me was Hanazono! Not him!"

No. The truth is it was the thief's fault. If he had not intrude your room, you would not be killed. Now he shall serves you, and this curse shall be passed on to the countless generations to come.

I shook my head. What kind of gibberish thing he was talking about? I didn't want Kuronekomaru to be my servant. "But......" I tried to deny.

No buts. You have to accept this condition. In order to keep the Kougami family, and you being the last Kougami alive. The Kuroishi thief shall be your servant, and there is no guarantee to end it.

Before I could say anything, I felt like I was threw down from a very high cliff. But I couldn't scream. And then it all was warm, my body felt lighter. I opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was the ceiling..... on my room. I tried to move my hand to my face. I tried to breath deeper then exhaling loudly. So I really came back to life, huh.

"Missy? Are you awaken yet?" my maid asked from the outside of the blinds.

"Yes," my voice was still rough.

"Missy was fainted last night, you were drenched in blood but no wound has found other than a healed wound in your chest. We did not know what had happened last night, and we thought that Master Hanazono was with you but he wasn't in this very room," my maid explained. I touched my chest, to the place where the arrow has stabbed me. I barely could remember that accident too, but I just remembered Kuronekomaru's face. I tried to wake up and sit down, felt healthier than before. Like I was reborn.

"Do you need help, Missy?"

"No. So where is Hanazono now?"

"Uh, well.. Master Hanazono has found dead."

I surprised. "What?!"

"Master Hanazono died from a knife wound in his chest. He died this morning at the bay of the river," she answered. How did Hanazono died? Who killed him? Could it be.. Kuronekomaru? No, he said he wasn't a murderer. But who knows he got angry because he thought that I was dead?

"..and Miss, a new housekeeper would like to give you his respect." she continued and I startled by her words. It must be him! I stood up as fast as my feet could, and ran towards the outside of my room.

"My Lady!"

And there he was. Knelt down before me, in the ground. He didn't wore the black coat, just his usual yukata and he was bathing in the sunshine. It didn't suit him as Kuronekomaru, but now he was my servant... for a lifetime.

"My name is Haya.. could you call me just by my name?" I asked. He bowed deeply, and I didn't like it.

"I am but a lowly servant that serves the Kougami family, I can only address you as "my lady"."

Ah, this was the dragon's curse. "Since I have taken your freedom from you, I would like to know your real name."

He lifted his face to me; calm and steady. His eyes still the same; drawn to mine but it was felt different. Because he looked at me as his Lady, not a mere Princess who wanted to run away. "Arashi. It is a wind that has found freedom, worth much more that a man who would swap his life for objects," he answered in the same calm tone. I felt a little bit relaxed. I would always have this man by my side, after all.

I smiled to him, putting every feeling that I had. "This is the first time that I'm looking at you under the sunlight, Arashi Kuroishi."

****

"Are you there, Arashi?"

"I am always by your side, my Lady.."

"The date of my marriage has been decided. And my fiance.. well, I think I will grow more fond of him."

He scoffed. "Good for you, then."

"Don't you dare laughing," I pouted. Then I moved closer to him, to the other side of the blinds. "By the way, I have something to talk to you, before I get married."

He seemed confused, but I went on saying. "A year ago, when my chest was stabbed by the arrow on that time..," I untied the obi on my kimono, and showed him the scar that left in my chest. That confused face changed into a shocked face. "The scar won't left off, even though the dragon's god has brought me back to life......."

"As long as this scar still here.. even though I am in another man's embrace, my soul will never forget about you."