Maaf, Aku Tidak Sengaja.

Aku tidak sengaja jatuh cinta. Aku tidak sengaja mencuri-curi pandang ketika aku bersama kamu. Dan ketika kamu melihat ke arahku, aku tidak sengaja membuang pandanganku sejauh-jauhnya, lebih jauh dari rekor lempar lembing yang pernah tercipta, hanya untuk tetap menjaga kamu tidak tahu aku sedang memandangmu.

Aku tidak sengaja merasa senang berada dalam satu momen bersamamu. Aku tidak sengaja mengharapkan kamu ada ketika kamu dan aku tidak dalam ruang dan waktu yang sama. Celingukanku membuktikannya.

Aku tidak sengaja berharap semua barang yang kupinjamkan padamu tidak kamu kembalikan sekaligus. Aku tidak sengaja berharap kamu meminjam satu barang lagi dariku setiap kamu mengembalikan barang lainnya. Semuanya tidak sengaja beralasan agar kita tetap bertemu.

Aku tidak sengaja mengaktifkan phenylethylamine dari sistem limbik otakku saat dekat kamu. Dan itu memicu euphoria. Aku tidak sengaja sangat suka suara tawamu terhadap leluconku. Ketika kamu aku goda, aku tidak sengaja nyaman menerima cubitan manja kamu yang mendarat di perutku. Aku tidak sengaja panik jika kehabisan bahasan obrolan ketika aku berbincang dengan kamu. Rasanya dimensi waktu lari terbirit-birit jika aku sedang bersama kamu, seolah kebersamaan aku dan kamu begitu menakutkan bagi waktu.

Aku tidak sengaja menawarkan baju hangatku ketika kamu kedinginan. Ah, aku tidak sengaja terus membayangkan wangi parfummu yang tertinggal di baju hangatku. Terus menerus, hingga pagi menjelang, handphone-ku adalah yang pertama ku-check. Aku tidak sengaja kecewa jika ada SMS namun bukan kamu pengirimnya. Aku tidak sengaja khawatir jika tidak tahu kabarmu.

Demi Tuhan, aku tidak sengaja uring-uringan ketika kamu tidak ada di tempat biasanya ketika aku cari. Aku tidak sengaja mencari tahu banyak hal tentangmu.

Aku tidak sengaja jatuh cinta kepadamu. Aku tidak sengaja benci membayangkan ini semua hanya pesan yang gagal aku decode dengan baik. Pesan yang kamu kirimkan begitu rumit, atau alat pen-decode-ku yang kalut tertutupi canggung, takut, rindu, cemas, harap, dan kawan-kawannya?

Aku tidak sengaja menjadikanmu “karena” dalam setiap “mengapa” yang bermuara di benakku.

Maaf, aku tidak sengaja…

Kamu tidak harus sengaja untuk jatuh cinta.

*Dua teori yang pernah aku dengar: 1) Otak tidak bisa menerima kata ‘tidak’ 2) Tidak ada ketidaksengajaan di dunia ini.

(taken from: Landak Gaul)

Aku Bukan Sebagai Aku

Aku memang masih ada disini, tapi bukan sebagai Aku
Entah siapa yang sekarang mengendalikan diriku
Yang pasti, itu bukanlah Hati dan Akalku
Diriku seakan diselimuti oleh material yang membatasi pandanganku
Pikiranku terkurung dalam pola-pola yang abstrak

Aku bertindak, bukan karena memang aku ingin melakukan,
tapi agar aku diperlakukan
Aku berpikir, bukan untuk mencari kebenaran,
tapi agar aku membenarkan

Jauh sudah kuterhanyut dalam sebuah ketiadaan akan Diriku
Aku lebih senang menjadi dirimu, mereka, atau diri siapapun
Asalkan mereka menganggap diriku ada, walau itu bukanlah Aku

Di mana diriku tersembunyi

Tak mungkin dirimu, mereka atau siapapun,
Kan mampu menunjukkannya
Karena kalian sama sepertiku,
Kita berada dalam kebutaan

Di mana diriku tersembunyi

Tak mungkin dirimu, mereka, atau siapapun,
Kan mampu menjawabnya
Karena kalian sama sepertiku,
Kita berada dalam kebodohan

Di mana diriku tersembunyi

Hanya aku yang akan menemukannya,
Bukan dirimu, mereka, atau siapapun
Karena Aku adalah Aku,
Bukan dirimu, mereka atau siapapun

(28 agustus 2006, 10.46 wib)
by Acep Helmi (copy and paste from acephelmi.blogspot.com)

Time Forgets.

In reality, Time never forgets.
It walks straight in Its pace, never coming back, because everything They threw in the back followed them. Just in case They need it again.

But true, if you tried to forget someone or something, the Time is the one who helped you to forget it.
They take that thing from you.


I took this title from a classic piano music with the same title, played by Yiruma. First time I heard this music, suddenly I remembered my childhood memories. Filled by joy yet still so many sad scenes following. And while I wrote this, I played this music on my iTunes.
But then, I heard this music again lately, with different circumstances: Love. Because Yiruma composed this music on his album titled "First Love". I remembered everyone I had loved, and I loved. When the music reached the part which came with the violin, I remembered a quote for someone:

"Never forget. Because forgetting means you're just trying to remember it harder."

At that time, I agreed with that quote. I never forget everything, or even everyone I had loved. I always appreciate everything with my heart. When you tried to forget someone you loved, you tried to dump everything about them. Delete them from your mind, heart, from your world. Never want to see, hear, or meet them again. But did you ever think about the probability? Does your heart ready to face that?

What do you need is just forgive. And let the Time take them from yours.

So, do you still need to forget?

Sorry.

Wish I could just tell you right now.

Wish I could redeem everything I've done,

I've decided,

I've felt.

Wish I could just tell you right now,

Sorry from my deepest heart.

Life Sucks.

Well, this is my first post on 2011. Happy Belated New Year, everybodyeaah! :)

Now, according to the title: Life Sucks. Yeah, who doesn't think like that? Every minute human wants to die because the life, is sucks. They feel hopeless, and somehow alone in this world. They blame everything: theirself, their circumstances, their friends, their parents, their family, even their God. You feel that life is really sucks so you end on waste everything.

But why don't they tried to understand the life itself?

I just wasting my Friday watching The Legend of Aang from the Book One till end. I loved watching this cartoon because there are so many I could learn there. Life, is included. And I already watched this cartoon for many times. Just because, I wanna be an Avatar.
You see, Aang was born as a current incarnation of the Avatar, the spirit of the planet manifested in human form. Aang was one of the Air Nomads, who taught him that all life is sacred. So because of that, he demonstrated his vegetarian beliefs by refusing to eat meat. (I wish I could) Then, in every war or fight, he chose negotiating over killing, or like what he did on Firelord Ozai. He took his bending instead.
Being an Avatar seemed both hard and easy. The easy side is, you could have the ability to master all four classical elements: water, earth, fire, air. When you could control all of those elements, you could even control the world. (or may I say, a Worldbender?) When you could control the world, life would be easier for you.
The hard side is the whole world is your burden. That wouldn't make your special ability an overcome. Life, wouldn't be as easier as controlling the world.


I just feel my life's load's been to much. And when I see my friend's tweet, she was whining about her fight with her parents. And she (I hope You don't allowed it, God!) prayed God took her life now. Well, how easy people think of death when they feel life is suck. Simply, I never thought of dead. People demanded to God to take their life in this state, but when God granted their wish, they're begging to give them more life. Sounds hypocrite, eh?

In the middle of my 'silent treatment' time, I just remembered one line that one of my friend ever told me, and I really treasured it until now:  Hidup ini sebentar. Might as well have fun living it.


Still writing this alinea, I'm thinking about the words someone once told me about "just enjoying life, don't make it too hard. Positive thinking, and be optimistic." And an advice from my faraway friend that "being a positive thinking person is easy. Just don't too considered and life load only what is available."

I never enjoyed my life as well as the people I mentioned in this post. We're just thinking that our life is worthless than other. Thinking back about those words, make me feel so dumb, and blind. Enjoying the life is very easy. Oh shit, I start crying.


Only dead fish go with the flow.